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Titan I missile
A Titan I ICBM during a test launch. It lacks the grace and poise of a Delta II launch, but it does have a nuclear warhead. (credit: USAF)

Titan of the world

Lately I’ve been bored. I think I need a change, of venue, of job, of scenery. Life is dull.

But what to do? Hire a life coach? Trade in my Toyota for a sports car that I won’t fit in? Buy a sailboat and sail solo across the Atlantic? (I already did that—boooorrring…)

Fortunately, the answer to my ennui came in a little bit of news that appeared last week. You see, I’ve always longed to be a super villain, ever since I’ve been a little boy, but I never really had the opportunity (My original goal had been to be an Evil Genius™ but I ran into a problem: I’m not that smart.). I always figured that in order to be a super villain, I had to start out with an evil lair. Now I’ve got one, almost. The opportunity has presented itself in the form of a ready-made missile launch complex that I can use as my evil lair. It’s for sale on eBay. [Insert maniacal laugh here.]

The missile complex has not one, not two, but three—yes, three!—Titan I ICBM launch silos. It’s located in a remote corner of Washington state. I’ve never been there, but I’ve seen pictures of Washington and it looks nice. Lots of trees and stuff. Maybe a slight lack of sunlight, but who really needs sunlight when you’re ensconced underground? Sunlight is for wusses.

One of the problems is that evil lairs work best when they’re secret, and this one is known to the US government, which built it, as well as a lot of people who read about it on the Internet. But I don’t think that’s an intractable problem.

The Titan I was one of the first American ICBMs, but it debuted at a time when missile technology was advancing so fast that it was practically out of date the moment it was declared operational. A dud, to be honest. It was quickly replaced by the much more capable and rugged—not to mention famous—Titan II. The Titan I was stored in underground silos, but in order to launch it a missile crew had to raise it to the surface on a giant elevator. Let me repeat this so that you can fully grasp how bleeping cool this was—they had to raise the 31-meter tall ICBM to the surface on a giant elevator! (See the picture for details.) Heck, once I take over it will be hard not to raise those missiles up and down simply to intimidate the neighbors! Stop your dog from pooping on my lawn… OR ELSE!

Titan I elevator sequence
Titan I missile being elevated from its underground launch silo. Is this amazingly cool or what?! (credit: USAF)

Now Titan I missiles are in short supply right now and I’m not sure that’s what I want in my silos anyway. Maybe something a little more modern. Maybe the Russians are selling some old SS-18 Satan missiles. (Man, that’s a cool name for a missile, huh?) I know that the North Koreans have great deals on warheads. And there’s a lot of unemployed Libyan plutonium experts looking for work.

Yes, there are some details to work out. One of the problems is that evil lairs work best when they’re secret, and this one is known to the US government, which built it, as well as a lot of people who read about it on the Internet. But I don’t think that’s an intractable problem. After all, the current owner claims to have used it for years as a summer camp. That’s a pretty good cover, but not quite good enough. So I’m soliciting suggestions for other cover stories. The best one so far is to build a shopping plaza atop the site. Yeah, it’s not exactly sexy—not the kind of thing that Ernst Blofeld would go for—but I think the Zen misdirection approach would be pretty effective. Build big box stores like a Wal-Mart and a Costco on top of the silos and then, when I’m ready to implement my plot to take over the planet, the missiles can rise right up through the home entertainment and frozen foods departments. But if anybody has a better idea, please send it in.

This development is rather auspicious. You see, ever since went out of business years ago (a result of new Department of Homeland Security regulations; all that is left is an archived website and some residual radiation), the availability of underground lairs has been limited. had a number of them, including Skull Island, a Secluded Mountaintop Villa, a Hydrofoil Boat, an Evil Castle Lair and an Undersea City (that one had a price tag of $4 billion, which back then was only barely affordable with an adjustable rate mortgage). even had its own missile silo for sale, and with a price tag of $2.5 million; the Titan I launch complex on sale in Washington is way more affordable.

Titan I missile complex illustration
Underground missile complex for sale. Author seeking investors looking for getting in on the ground floor of his plans for world domination. (credit: USAF)

Which brings me to my final point, the reason that I’m writing this article. You see, I don’t have all the money I need and I’m looking for investors. This is not a plea for charitable contributions. I’m looking for people willing to get in on the ground floor on a great opportunity for world domination. So anybody who’s interested should contact me. Together we will be more powerful than anyone can imagine! Nobody can stop us!

So who’s with me?